Alkaline Water with a Twist of Electrocution

Several weeks ago, it was found that GlaxoSmithKline had to shell out over $3 billion as a penalty for a drug fraud scandal involving their asthma medication Advair.  In short, they were encouraging medical professionals to push the brand "off-label", meaning to present it as an alternative solution to a problem not associated with its intended use.  Of course, a few billion dollars is bus token money for a giant like GSK, but the message had been sent by the Feds -- loud and clear.

Sorta.

Along comes Duracell, famous for two things -- their coppertop alkaline batteries, and NOT owning commercials with a drum-slamming bad-assed anamatronic bunny.  Nonetheless, clever marketing always finds a way to shine through the darkest of clouds, and the folks at Duracell has proven the point ad nauseam -- by actually suggesting their batteries help create an alkaline water that, when ingested, normalize your pH levels from very acidic to more alkaline and healthy.

"As easy as dropping ice cubes into a glass of water, the best batteries in the world become the best dietary tool in history!", stated Kermit Brasbals, Director of Worldwide marketing for Proctor and Gamble, Duracell's parent company.  "It really works! I've been on the CopperTopDiet for seven weeks now, and I feel great!"

The advertising campaign was intended for a January unveiling at the Consumer Electronics Show (CES) in Las Vegas, but was pushed to just a couple of weeks ago at the JenniLee Billowbutt Health and Nutritional Luncheon and Tupperware Show in Encino, California.

"Like, omigawd! My son Zane has, like, 50 million toys and I throw Duracells out alllllllllllllll the time. Now, I can reuse the batteries for my water? I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo there!" exclaimed one mom who chose to remain anonymous.  Another woman tried a sample of what she described as "powered water" and claimed to feel a slight tingle.  Brabals quickly noted that the sensation was NOT slight electrocution, as suspected by a few, but in fact the Duracell battery "re-imagining" the water to a delicious, alkaline state of being by way of "pure magic".

However, a leading expert form a nondescript consumer watchdog group nobody has ever heard of until a second ago claims it all to be an elaborate hoax.  "It's bunk. It's all about the dollars and it's dangerous!", claims Stuart S. of Knee Socks, a group of militant Aspergers know-it-alls.  "They don't know anything!  Have you ever been in the military? Have you?  What's the capital of Ethiopia? Do you know that? My grandfather was a Holocaust survivor!"

Yet, the trend seems to be catching on. At a recent street fair in Kansas City, the Duracell "Fountain of Youth" kiosk was alive with health crazies quite literally bathing themselves from a 25 foot fountain showering them with CopperTop water.  When authorities shut down the fountain, due to the severe drought conditions currently gripping KC as well as much of the country,  there were unconfirmed reports of some drenched participants shooting lightning from their hands at the law enforcement officials.

Braasbals denied such an occurrence at the event, citing "propaganda" from the nutrition industry bent on failing Duracell's quest for proper health, before enveloping himself in an electrostatic cocoon and floating away.