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Monday, June 11, 2012

Astro Profiling

There's racial profiling.  Anybody of color has been a victim of it in some form or the other.

There's status profiling.  If you don't drive a Porsche, Mercedes, or a late model BMW, you've been a victim of it.

And then there's astro profiling. If you're a Capricorn (as I am), you've definitely been a victim of it.

You get into a delightful conversation with a pretty girl. You both have similar interest and enjoy the simple things in life, like a good brew of coffee. She appears attracted to you, and vice versa.  Then, out of the clear blue sky (or, in the case of Seattle, the gray wet sky), she drops THIS question upon your lap:

"So, what sign are you?"

Your innocuous reply, "I'm a Capricorn."

This is generally followed by a pause, which is then generally followed by an "Oh".  Mind you, not a delightful "oh", but more along the lines of a unpleasantly surprised "oh".

What the f**k is THAT supposed to mean????

Is it MY fault mommy and daddy decided to play Battleship in April and not June?  Am I moody? Yes I am.  Are there non-Capricorns in this world who'd trump my mood swings without breaking a sweat? Yes. there are.  Yet, within seconds the girl has my profile pinned 1-2-3 like Andre the Giant versus Richard Simmons. Instantly the chat morphs from "like to know ya" to "been nice knowing ya". And why? Because I was born after December 21st rather than before?

Don't get me wrong.  My ex-neighbor Natalie worked up an astrological forecast for me last August.  I went in with an open mind, and came out a believer -- not due to her hot Aussie accent, but due to the fact that everything the chart told her would happen in my life has come true!  Of course, there is a difference between truth and fact, with truth being in large part perceived and self-fortified.  Yet, I'm sold on PROPER astrology.

But the hocus pocus "just-add-water" Instamatic Astrology that psychotic flower child pulled on me?  Maybe it's a good thing the discussion ground to a halt.  Perhaps -- and I'm just assuming here -- if the relationship had grown beyond a coffee chat to something far more serious, can you IMAGINE the woman applying the wonders of Instamatic Astrology to everything in our lives?

"Honey. Let's go to that new restaurant down the street."
"Are you kidding? The rising moon five degrees from Jupiter's aura says we stay in and meditate!"

"I wonder what's on TV tonight?"
"The sun is aligned with constellation Sagittarius, pulling on a transiting Venus.  Watching the television is the LAST thing I want to do when THAT combination is showing."

"I love you."
"Phfff.  That's just Pluto and Neptune rising with the moon. When that happens, lies and deceit dominate. You don't know what you're talking about."


Wow. Did I dodge a bullet there!

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Story About Aliens Combat Birthday..... what?!!!

I consider myself neither liberal nor conservative. More of a centerist, I share both likes and dislikes with the fringes of American politics.

So when I say most left-side television political analysts either look like they fell out of a dryer, an AA meeting, or a Dungeons and Dragons tournament, please take note that it's a dead-on, clear as day observation, and not some right winger propaganda to push the glory that is FoxNews.

Current TV is a perfect example.  Listen, I'm not a tie guy myself.  But if I'm on the boob tube, with millions watching (or, in the case of Current TV: 3,987), I'd prefer to look my best.  Perhaps Current TV has a standing law forbidding ties or expertly-fitted coats. Not 100% sure... don't 100% care.  If you flip on FoxNews, you'd think they had a looking-good contract with Ralph Lauren and Neil George Salon.  With Current TV, maybe Kmart and Supercuts.... maybe!

With the cat above, however, I'd roll the dice with Big Lots and Fantastic Sam's.

"What The Flick"?  How about "what the f**k"!!  Where is it written that liberal telecasters NEED to appear disheveled and aimless?  Is there some field guide that clearly points to a rule stating "all righties must appear as if they're closing million dollar deals en route to the financial district in a BMW, whilst all lefties must appear like they've got a baloney sandwich stuffed in their pocket and a Huffy parked out back".

Aside from Jon Stewart (who does, in fact, wear a tie in accordance to the looking-good code), there appears to be no rhyme or reason to what a democaster's going to wear night to night.  And those guests... really????  Gavin Newsom had a couple on the other night discussing automobile technology.  Once again, the memo must've read "wear what you have.... hair brushing and make-up optional".  Whereas Fox attempts to maintain a sense of etiquette and flair, Current and MSNBC just, well... exist.  Littered with skinny guys wearing glasses and a grab bag of sport coats a couple sizes too large for them, jeans, frazzled hair, and a voice perfectly suited for the words "I told you so", they are the polar opposite of the well-groomed right, well-behaved right.  Which, in hindsight, must be their orchestrated plan of attack.

And just when you think this potpourri of democast gobbledigook is, actually, a "game plan", they hit you with a technical faux pas like the YouTube closed captioning illustrated above. Maybe it's just YouTube, and not them.

But, if you know the YouTube cc'ing stinks of roadkill, then DISABLE IT!!!!

Democaster: Huh?  But it's cool.

Conservacaster: LOL!!!!