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Saturday, December 22, 2012

Alkalizing... ummm.... POOL SLUDGE????



It's tasty. No, really... it IS!

Welp, it's not like a pumpkin pie with a shitload of whipped cream.  Or a taco from Tito's. Or homemade oatmeal raisin cookies.  But dude, those are all ACID!!!!  You want ALKALINE is your body.  Annnnnddddd, I suddenly got really hungry.

Proper pH balance is the new South Beach or Atkins.  And for a meager $25 (or $40, if you're stupid... like me), you can get the ball rolling towards a healthier YOU.

Also check out www.nutritionalupgrade.com  for additional intel on more involved solutions for alkalizing your damn temple.

Enjoy, and Happy Holidays!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Christmas will end LIKE THIS


You know it'll end like this.

A scandal. Kringle caught on film with LeAnn Rimes getting his jingle bells polished. Headline news on TMZ.  Shamed by the press. Shunned by the church. Christmas... ruined forever!

Ol' St. Nick being served by Gloria Allred, who represents the soon-to-be-MS. Claus.

The North Pole, sold off to WalMart by the victorious Ms. Claus as she moves to Miami and becomes THE hot-shit-rich-as-all-Hell cougar of South Beach.

Santa retires to Calgary and runs a reindeer ranch, a recluse to the world which has betrayed him, secretly plotting his revenge. WalMart teams up with Apple to destroy Microsoft, who in turn flees to Antartica with Monsanto, GE, and Target to form a competing "South Pole".  All countries along the equator become battleground wastelands (like any of them gave a shit about Christmas in the first place), littered with broken toys and shattered dreams. Anybody north who owns a PC must ally themselves to Apple, or flee to the south.  Anyone in the south who owns an Apple, vice versa.

Soon, all major companies own and alliance to either side. Factories move closer to the polar extremes, deeper into the protected zones to inhibit arial raids.  Contaminants from these factories, now closer to the polar ice caps, begin to have an effect on polar temperature fluctuations, melting vast quantities of ice. Soon, oceanic levels rise to the point where NewYork City ceases to exist, New Orleans disappears, all of Florida... gone -- a modern day Atlantis! Arid desert turns to beachfront property (buy your Imperial and Coachella Valley property today!).  Heavier rainfall. Stronger hurricanes. Life as we know it -- changed forever.

All because a drunk-as-fuck LeAnn Rimes and a horny old man in a weird red outfit couldn't make heads or tails out of what they were doing.

It could happen.

But it probably won't. Santa doesn't exist. And nobody gives a crap about Rimes.

So we're safe... for now.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Senseless Acts of Murder, Gun Control, and the Holidays



This latest act of insensical violence in Connecticut, the moment it occured (or, at the very least, noted on the internet as occuring), shook more to the point where this entire day has been a "write off". Really, I've been rearranging my apartment all day, adding to my Goodwill stack of stuff, and feverishly cleaning.  I haven't eaten, only conversed with my friend Brenda over Skype for a brief while, and have been close to useless all day outside of succeeding in making my home 25 pounds lighter.  

20 kids, gone!  20 children, too young to understand the term "gun control", wiped off the face of this planet in a wave of gunfire.  Moreover, hundreds of individuals murdered in a different sort of way -- family, friends, and relatives of the children who will NEVER be the same again.

Interestingly, however, the moment I heard of the massacre, the very first thought that popped into my mind WASN'T gun control -- it was Christmas.  The end-of-year holiday are a special time for many, full of good cheer and good times. But for more than a few, December is the most complicated, anxious, and somber month of the calendar.  Inconsistent work, no money, discord with family, bad memories of a childhood gone wrong.  For individuals on the brink of snapping from, and then against, society, it's a toxic brew of pain, pressure and perception.  They witness their fellow man stuffing leased Mercedes, Audis, and BMWs with expensive gifts for children, wives, husbands, and family expecting wish lists to be fulfilled, all the while scrounging through what's left of their savings for the best gifts they can afford AND make rent at the end of the month.  They watch as television ads for Lexus state emphatically that it's "Decenber to Rememeber" time, showing an appreciative wife accepting the keys to her Christmas gift --  a $60,000 automobile! Certainly, it would be nice to go through life gifting five digit presents to loved ones. But when X is less than Y on the balance sheet, and your debt (both monetarily and societal) is crushing you, the very LAST thing you want to see is a perfect white couple, in a perfect house, with perfect kids, giving each other perfectly and ludicrously expensive gifts.

True, this year hasn't been the best in my adult life. But it hasn't been the worst, either. I look forward to a promising 2013. Yet, there are some individuals who cannot reason in that manner. Either they are mentally incapable of understanding the ebb and flow of life, or have grown so damaged through terrible ordeals that their rational thought has been completely overridden by emotion. Some commit suicide. Some go mad. And some... kill.

Unfortunately, today, the latter came true. And I'm SHOCKED it doesn't happen more often.

December isn't about bagging your wife a shiny luxobarge.  It's not about your children one-upping their neighbors with better gifts. It's not about saddling yourself with unbelievable debt, so you can give "the gift of joy". It's not ANY of that.  But, it's BECOME that.  The pressure is intense.... and it's a stupid, completely unnecessary pressure. I'm not 100% certain any of this contributed to the school slaying today. Yet, it's a microcosm to where this society has gone. A "show me" world of the latest gear and coolest toys and better car and brass placards on mahogany desk with a title after your name. A society where perception is more important than reality. A culture where "it's not MY problem" becomes "it's everybody's problem" at the pull of a trigger.

Gun control gun control gun control. It's all I'm hearing. For people, it's easy to scream. For politicians, it's measureable and stumpable. But what about "social control"? What about the mental state of the killer?  How did he arrive to this point of fate? What the Hell happened to him to make him snap like this?  Certainly, some people are predisposed to mental instability, but can society be less pressurized, slightly softer and more manageable to overcome when things don't go our way?  

I always say, happiness (IMO) comes from the freedom of choice. The more options one has, the free-er they'll feel, and the happier they'll be. But do any of us have a choice NOT to bear gifts on Christmas Day? Do any of us have a choice in not caring what people think of us? Do any of us have the choice of being completely open and forthright with anybody about how they feel at any minute of the day?  

The answer is ABSOLUTELY -- if you choose to be bigger than society and buck it's prerequisites. And if people cannot accept you for who you are, what you say, and how you feel, you pity them for being the mindless societal sheep that they are, incapable of understanding the difference between what they want, and what they need, and you move on. There are 311.5 million residents of the United States, which means there are 311.5 million opportunities for finding better people.  You have a choice.


Unfortunately for the shooters today, for whatever reason, they felt the opposite. Tragic.